


What Does Love Feel Like?

by teaearlgreyhot



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: F/F, Pining, figuring out you're gay af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 04:05:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7084939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaearlgreyhot/pseuds/teaearlgreyhot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The kids get an assignment: "What is love to you, and how can your love change the world?" What Maya finds out about herself certainly changes her world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Girl Meets Homework Assignment

**Author's Note:**

> This is my girst GMW fic so tell me what you think if you feel so inclined!

“What does love mean?”

It was Farkle that asked the question. He smiled at Mmackle, and Maya thought she saw Smackle blush. Mathews put down his lesson plan, which everyone knew he would never get to, and took a deep breath.

“That’s a great question, Farkle. Love changes everything, doesn’t it? It changes the course of history, for sure. Think of how different Egypt might have been if Julius Caesar hadn’t fallen in love with Cleopatra, or how far back we'd be in medicine if Marie and Pierre Curie never got married.”

Maya could tell from the corner of her eye that Riley was looking at Lucas, but pretending not to. Maya smiled with half her mouth, Riley was so weird sometimes.

“Unfortunately, it’s not something I can answer for you. Sure, I could tell you what love feels like for me, but it’s different for every person, and for every different person each of those people fall in love with.”

Maya saw Riley was doodling Lucas’s name, again, and only half paying attention. Maya quietly scoffed, thinking that this may be the first time she was listening to a lesson more than Riley was.

“Assignment for the week; I want everyone to write about what love feels like to you. Tell me what love is, and then tell me how you think it could change the world.” The bell rang and everyone started to pack up their things. Maya started to walk out, but she was stopped by Riley gently touching her arm. Maya turned back to see Riley looking just the slightest bit nervous.

“What is it, Riles?” Maya asked with genuine concern.

“It’s just...maybe we shouldn’t read each other’s papers. It might be kinda weird...considering?” Maya agreed. It would definitely be weird for them to read essays written by the other about how they each feel when they look at Lucas.

“I love how you assume I’d actually _do_ the homework.” She joked, walking out of class with Riley beside her. She thought she actually might do the assignment, but maybe not hand it in. She always liked writing, and it seemed like something she should do if all of her friends were. She didn’t want to not understand something they all knew about themselves.


	2. Girl Meets Coffee

Maya sat across from Lucas at Topanga’s. Riley was up at the counter ordering for everyone. Riley knew everyone’s order by heart and she never let Maya reimburse her for the money. Maya slipped three dollars in Riley’s purse, like she always did, then looked down at her phone. She had her Notes app open, with the only thing she’d written so far being the title: Love. She bit her lip and looked up at Lucas. ‘Love’ was such a big, cheesy word and it made her stomach feels off to apply it to Lucas. Was that because she knew it would hurt Riley if anything ever became of it? Maybe. 

But besides the discomfort, how did it feel to look at the boy across from her who was fully engrossed in his conversation with Farkle? Tension was the first word that came to mind. And that was what love was supposed to be like, right? Heat and a little bit of fear mixed in with friendship. She looked back down at her phone and typed,

‘Love is never knowing what to say. It’s wanting to get closer, but thinking twice about every move you make, or don’t make. Love is confusing and I don’t like it.’ Her train of thought was interrupted when Riley saw down next to her, hip to hip.

“Who are you texting?” Riley asked happily, handing Maya her dark roast coffee with the caramel swirl. Maya always told people she liked black coffee, but Riley knew better. Riley also knew better than to tell anyone that little secret. Quickly, Maya locked her phone and put it face down on the table.    
“Oh, just my mom.” She lied, taking the coffee. Riley accepted that answer, and then turned to the boys. She gave Farkle a hot chocolate, Smackle a bottle of water, Zay an espresso that Riley never told him was decaf, and Lucas a hazelnut coffee that Riley had drawn a little heart on the cup of. Lucas didn’t notice, but Maya did. Maya always noticed the little things Riley did. 

“I don’t understand the assignment Mr. Mathews gave us.” Smackle said, looking mildly distressed. “It’s about emotions, not history.” The rest of the circle chuckled.    
“You really are new here.” Lucas commented, then swallowed awkwardly, unhappy with the new topic of conversation. “I’ll probably write about my mom.” He was looking between Riley and Maya, not wanting to play favorites.    
“Aw, that’s so sweet.” Riley tilted her head and her eyes became softer, reminding Maya of any time Riley saw a dog, or any small animal, actually. 

Maya cleared her throat and decided the situation was a little too weird for her to be a part of. “Actually, I gotta go. My mom just texted back, she wants me home.” She picked up her bag and coffee, then waved a quick goodbye before leaving Topanga’s. She didn’t like going like that. It felt like retreating. But lately it was getting harder and harder to be around Lucas and Riley when they were being romantic. She knew the situation between the three of them was complicated, but she never wanted it to affect her friendship with Riley. That had always been the top priority. But now? Now she felt like her gut instinct was to get away from Riley when she got gooey. She needed to fix it, but she had no idea how. 


	3. Girl Meets the Girl's Bathroom

“I don’t like this.” Farkle said, handing Maya a folded up piece of paper. He looked wracked with guilt. Maya didn’t show it, but she felt the same way. It wasn’t technically lying to Riley that she asked Farkle to get RIley’s paper for her, but it definitely wasn’t cool. “It feels like I’m choosing between you two. I don’t like that, Maya.”   
“Relax, Farkle.” Maya tried to reassure him, sounding as sure as she could make herself. “You’re not choosing between anyone. You’re just helping me out, and Riley’s never gonna know. Okay?” She put her hand on Farkle’s forearm, looking in his eyes. Farkle nodded, but still looked unsure. He walked into his science class as the bell rang, but Maya walked past the door to the English classroom she was supposed to be in and went straight to the girl’s bathroom. She went into the last stall and sat down, then slowly unfolded the paper.

She didn’t  _ want  _ to be doing this. It was the last thing she wanted, really. But she thought that if she read this undoubtedly cheesy but beautifully Riley-ish confession of love, maybe it would help. It could never get worse than this, so Maya knew if she could read the whole thing, she could handle anything. 

Riley’s handwriting was adorable. It was swirly and she dotted her eyes with hearts, the way Maya used to make fun of girls for doing in kindergarten. The essay was written in a purple pen, and Maya smiled bittersweetly because she had been the one who bought that for Riley. Riley lost her favorite purple glittery pen last year, so Maya went to the dollar store and picked up a pack. They weren’t flittery, and didn’t have the fun design that Riley’s old one did, but she seemed elated to have them anyway. That was such a good day for both of them. 

Maya closed her eyes and breathed deeply through her nose, then committed herself to reading the essay. 

_ Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. And the best part about it is that it’s everywhere! The sun loves me, enough to wake up early every morning to make me warm and make everything beautiful. My parents love me (hi dad!), I can see it when they make me breakfast and give me a hug before school. My best friend loves me. She meets me everyday and we walk to school together, she always waits for me even when I can’t decide what to wear. _   
Maya paused, smiling. She didn’t expect to see her own name in the essay, and it made her feel...glowing. Glowing was such a terrible-teen-movie word but it was the only one that came to Maya’s mind. 

_ But I don’t think this essay’s supposed to be about that kind of love. It’s supposed to be about romantic love, right? Boy-girl love. But what do I know about that? I’m fourteen. I’m a kid. I barely know how to do my own laundry, I don’t know enough about love to tell you what it feels like. All I know is that makes everything really complicated, and that maybe life would be a little easier without it. But I also know that love brings color to the world! It makes my stomach feel happy, like it’s doing little backflips.  _

_ As for how my love can change the world? I don’t know if it can. So far it’s just made the world a messier place. But I think, or at least I hope, someday it’ll make me and Lucas happy. And I know that me and my friends can change the world together. Maybe our love is gonna be a part of that. _

Maya was crying. Not loudly or dramatically, but tears were rolling down her face. The thing she couldn’t understand was that they didn’t start until she got to the word  _ Lucas _ . How stupid was that? She actually liked reading about how Riley thought about love until it was made perfectly clear who she was talking about. Maya told herself she was being dumb, because who else could it possibly have been about? Who did she even want it to be about? 

Impulsively, Maya wanted to throw the essay in the toilet and flush it down, but she couldn’t do that. She’d be betraying Riley even more than she already was by reading it in the first place, plus she knew Farkle would get some of Riley’s anger, too. That wasn’t fair. 

She put some concealer under she eyes and folded the essay back up, tucking it in her pocket. She would wait in the bathroom until lunch, and then she could pretend like nothing happened. 


	4. Girl Meets Hiding Out

The loud, repeated knocking on Maya’s door meant only one thing; Riley was there. Maya sighed, she knew that was coming. She had been avoiding the group all weekend. Now it was Sunday night, and she hadn’t talked to any of her friends in two days. That wasn’t weird for Smackle, Zay, Farkle or Lucas, but for Riley? Maya and Riley never went this long without at least texting. Riley had sent her ten messages in the last hour, none of which Maya had looked at. Maya felt bad for ignoring them, but something in her just couldn’t face Riley. After reading that essay, Maya couldn’t shake the strong uneasiness in her core when she thought about Riley or Lucas, not to mention talking to them. But Riley was here now, at her apartment, so Maya knew she had to answer or Riley would think she was hated her, and Maya never wanted Riley considering that even for a second. Maya was just glad that her mom was working the late shift, she didn’t want her overhearing and asking questions. 

Maya opened the door, and didn’t have time to say anything before she felt a hundred pounds flying towards her, nearly knocking her to the ground. Riley’s arms were swung around Maya’s neck tightly, the hug was squeezing Maya so much she has trouble breathing for a second. 

“Wha-” Maya began to ask, but was cut off by Riley talking a mile a minute.   
“I was so worried! You never don’t answer me, Maya. I thought you were kidnapped! Or dead! Or in the middle of some kind of dangerous...I didn’t know!” Riley released her grip and took a half step back to scan Maya up and down, apparently searching for injury. “You’re okay, right? Please be okay.”

Maya’s mouth gaped momentarily. She never expected this kind of reaction. “I’m fine, Riles. Promise.”

“Then where were you?” Riley looked more concerned than angry. Maya would have felt better if Riley was angry, she hated that she had worried Riley so much. She never wanted that. 

“I…” Maya paused, trying to figure out how to explain herself. Should she tell the truth? Then Riley would know that Farkle stole the paper and Maya read it. “It’s really complicated, Riley.” Riley took her hand and lead her to the old, stained brown couch in the middle of Maya’s living room. The two sat side by side, Riley never dropping Maya’s hand. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” God, Riley looked so worried. Maya felt awful. Hurting Riley was the worst thing she could have done. 

“I don’t think so, Riley. But I’m fine, I swear.” Riley looked deeply into Maya’s eyes with her brow scrunched. She was trying to tell if Maya was telling the truth, Maya could tell. She smiled at Riley softly and squeezed her hand. 

“Alright. But if this happens again, we’re doing an intervention.” Riley finally smiled back as she said that. “Come on, sleepover at my place tonight.” She stood up and Maya followed.    
“That sounds really great right now.” And it was true. Despite everything, Maya was glad Riley had come over. A part of her saw Riley and felt like something was entirely wrong, but most of her just felt like everything would be okay, as long as Riley was at her side. 


	5. Girl Meets Love

Maya couldn’t sleep. She usually slept the best on nights like these, when she and Riley were huddled together in Riley’s bed and she could hear the cars on the street racing around, but tonight was different. Her eyes were open, looking at Riley. Maya always loved the way Riley slept. Riley’s dreams were vivid and colorful, and her face showed every expression she was experiencing in them. Right now she was smiling brightly, which was contagious. Maya lay there, looking at Riley sleeping happily, for a long time. 

Eventually, Maya decided she needed to get some sleep. Slowly and carefully, as to not wake Riley up, she got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to get some of Topanga’s chamomile tea. It was close to two in the morning, so Maya was surprised to see Cory sitting at the kitchen table, grading papers. 

“Maya, what are you doing up?” He asked in a hushed voice. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Maya answered, turning the electric kettle on before sitting across from him. “Are those the love papers?”   
“Yeah, they’re not due until tomorrow but some kids turned them in online already. Dang overachievers won’t let me sleep.” Maya smiled, looking at the printed papers in front of Mathews. She could only read a few sentences, but she could tell it was Farkle’s.

_...and the most important aspect of love to me is that it sets my brain on fire. Love makes me question everything I know to be true, and open my mind to a world of new possibilities. Much like the man in Plato’s allegory of the cave, I have finally stopped seeing simple shadows and now I’m a part of the world of the walking, talking people. _

Maya knew that Mathews could tell she was reading, but he didn’t seem to mind. After a moment in silence, she looked up at him. 

“What’s love feel like to you, Mathews?” She asked, not understanding why she feared the answer. Cory smiled, like he had been waiting for some to ask. 

“To me, love is like coming home. I could be anywhere in the world, going through anything, but being with Topanga? It’s like feeling secure and happy. Topanga’s my rock, my point B.” 

Maya was grateful that the kettle started to whistle before she could respond. She jumped up and poured herself her tea, then stuttered, “I gotta go to bed.” She quickly walked back to Riley’s room, spilling some tea on her fingers, but hardly even noticing because of the way her head was spinning. 

She stood in the doorway of Riley’s room, staring at her. Riley was still sleeping, still smiling. Maya’s hands were shaking. _Love is like coming home_. Cory’s words repeated themselves in her head over and over again. Love is coming home, and there’s only one person Maya ever felt at home with. Only one person who made her feel warm inside, who lit the fire inside her, who made her feel like happiness was possible and people were good. Love is coming home, and looking at Riley curled up on the bed with her dimples showing, Maya was home. 


	6. Girl Meets Love p2

Maya walked into class late and looking like a mess. She felt like a mess, too. She had snuck out of the bay window the night before, walking aimlessly around the city for a few hours before going back to her own apartment. She stayed up all night, trying to make sense of what was going on inside of her.    
It was like everything suddenly made sense. She knew she was jealous when Riley and Lucas were together, but she naturally assumed it was because she had feelings for Lucas. Whenever Maya pictured her future, Riley was always there. She wanted them to grow old together. It never occurred to her that those were dreams she was supposed to have about Lucas, or any boy really. It was always her and Riley, all the way. Looking back, it was so blatantly obvious. That was love. 

Maya was scared. More scared than she thought she had ever been before. This could change everything. This could ruin the one thing in her life that made it all okay. She could just keep it a secret, but she knew exactly what would happen if she did that. Riley would notice that Maya was hiding something, and if Maya never opened her mouth, the two would drift apart. Maya wouldn’t let that happen, she couldn’t. So, tears in her eyes and with an unsteady hand, she wrote her essay. 

Now she stood in front of her history classroom with that essay clutched in her first. All eyes were on her. Riley stood up and stepped toward her.    
“Where were you? I woke up and you weren’t there, Maya, you’re really scaring me!” Maya’s lower lip quivered, and she turned to Mr. Mathews. 

“Can I read my essay, please?” She asked, her voice breaking just slightly. Riley looked distraught, and Maya’s heart broke for her, but she knew this needed to happen. Riley sat back down. Cory nodded, looking at her with concern. 

Maya took a deep breath and flattened out the crumpled paper in her hand.  She had reread it so many times that she was sure she could recite it from memory, but she couldn’t look into Riley’s face as she said it. 

“Love is...warm, brown eyes that look at me like I’m special. Love is the first person you want to celebrate with when something good happens, and the only person you feel safe crying with when everything is wrong. Love is when you take her hand and everything feels okay, even when nothing is. It’s the feeling like you share a heart with another person, and knowing she makes you a better person just by being in your life. Love is thinking you know everything about each other but still finding out new things everyday.” Maya didn’t notice that her eyes were welling up. She looked at Mr. Mathews, then directly at Riley, who was staring at Maya with her mouth just a little open, looking at Maya with love and sympathy, but also fear. “Love is the person who feels like home.” Maya paused, letting that last sentence sink in. Then she looked back at her essay.

“I don’t want my love to change the world. I like my world. I  _ love  _ my world and I love the people in it. My love is gonna make life harder for them. I wish I could make it stop but I think it’s been here for years, and I’m just now noticing. I don’t think it’s ever gonna stop. I don’t want my love to be a destructive force of nature, and I’ll step back if everyone wants me to. I’ll make new friends and...and it’ll work out, because it has to. But I’m so sorry my love is gonna change our world.”   
  
The classroom was so silent you could hear a pin drop. Nobody moved, except Maya who snuffled and looked into Riley’s eyes. For Maya, it felt like an eternity before Riley stood up. Riley took two slow, long steps towards Maya and then wrapped her arms around Maya’s waist and pulled her into a tight hug. 

“Don’t you  _ dare  _ step back.” Riley ordered in Maya’s ear with intensity. Maya dropped her head into Riley’s shoulder and broke out in sobs, feeling the intense relief that only comes when you know you are truly loved. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! I hope you enjoyed it. The ending was ambiguous on purpose, but you should totally feel free to speculate what happens next in the comments. This was fun to write, so hopefully it was fun to read :)


End file.
